Randolph Churchill MBE. Manager of the Berlin Pistols in the Glorious Division.
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to London, England where Queen Victoria’s Carriages host the Berlin Pistols.
The Carriages have taken the first two games of this four game series with Andrew Marvell and Virginia Woolf getting the wins.
Spring has arrived, and the vines and flowers which adorn Queen’s Ball Park—the most “comfy” stadium on earth—are colorful and fragrant.
Today it will be William Hazlitt making the start for London.
Marla Muse spoke briefly to the Carriages’ pitching coach, Joseph Priestly, who had this to say about his no. 3 starter:
“Hazlitt throws hard, and comes right at you. He has no delicacy on the mound. After all, he did say this, to quote him directly, if I might: ‘Love turns, with little indulgence, to indifference or disgust: hatred alone is immortal.’ If that doesn’t say something about him, I don’t know what does. I have a great amount of confidence with him on the mound. He challenges hitters, and never makes excuses.”
Eva Braun’s Pistols will counter with William James, the “Nitrous Oxide Philosopher,” Harvard professor, brother of the famous expat novelist, godfather to Ralph Waldo Emerson, and inventor of Stream of Consciousness writing, based on his absolutely brilliant, depressing, and self-observed psychological experiments. Anyone who has ever taken a psychology course in college can thank William James, who made Psychology a respectable subject in college for the first time. James has a very slow delivery, a curve ball that dreams its way to the plate; he doesn’t throw hard, but he’s sneaky fast.
Here’s the defense behind William James. In center field, the passionate DH Lawrence. In right field, the austere Ted Hughes. In left field, the mysterious Aleister Crowley. James Joyce at third base, Ford Maddox Ford (German, British, and American) at first. At shortstop, William Butler Yeats, at second base, Gertrude Stein, and behind the plate, doing the catching, Carl Jung.
For the Carriages: Longfellow is in center, Philip Larkin holds down right field, and Sylvia Plath is over in left. At third, Elizabeth Barrett Browning. At first base, Geoffrey Hill. Up the middle, we have Paul McCartney at shortstop and Tennyson at second. Playing catcher, Robert Browning.
Andrew Marvell of the Carriages out-dueled T.S. Eliot of the Pistols (15 K) in game one, 2-0, with the Brownings each hitting a home run.
The Carriages won game two 6-3. Virginia Woolf went nine innings and allowed three runs; a 3 run homer in the bottom of the ninth by George Bernard Shaw off George Santayana, game 2 starter for the Pistols, was the difference. Paul McCartney singled twice and stole a base. Sylvia Plath tripled and scored on a two strike, two out single by Woolf. Longfellow knocked in two. Simon Armitage began the rally in the ninth with a bloop single.
The Pistols scoring was provided by a solo homer by Yeats, and a two-run double by Joyce.
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Hazlitt’s first pitch. A ball. And we’re underway!
The next delivery to Lawrence at the plate…he turns on it…wow, he got all of it…that ball…is out of here! Gone! A home run! Pistols lead, 1-0.
Here we are in the fourth inning…still 1-0 Pistols, on the home run by DH Lawrence…Longfellow facing William James with two outs and nobody on…James has pitched well so far…and there’s a ball to right field…way back…way back…And Longfellow has tied up this game! All Ted Hughes, the right fielder for the Pistols, could do was look up. It’s now 1-1.
In the sixth, still 1-1. Both starters Hazlitt and James pitching brilliantly. Wait. William James is motioning to the dugout. He wants the manager. Something’s wrong. Randolph Churchill, the Pistols manager is coming out of the dugout. Let’s see… Well, I guess that’s it for James. He’s coming out. Not sure what’s wrong with him. Richard Wagner is up warming in the bullpen for the Pistols. And he’s going to get all the time he needs, because this is considered an injury. Not sure what it is, though. The umpires are discussing things with Churchill on the mound. It’s apparently…depression. William James is depressed, and has to come out. James has suffered bouts of depression all his life. This is considered an “injury.” He just can’t pitch any longer, even though up until now, he’s been terrific!
Wagner now pitching for the Pistols. And he strikes out Paul McCartney to end the inning!
William Hazlitt is cruising along, making it look easy. He’s busting his fastball inside, then freezing hitters with changes and curves away.
We’re in the bottom of the 8th, score still tied at one. The Carriages’ James Shirley pinch hitting…there’s a single up the middle! Here’s George Bernard Shaw, who hit the big pinch hit home run yesterday. Shaw is batting for McCartney, who looked bad last at bat against Wagner. The catcher, Carl Jung, Yeats, the shortstop, Gertrude Stein the second baseman, Heidegger, the pitching coach, and Wagner, the pitcher, are talking things over on the mound. Wyndham Lewis and Hugh Kenner are throwing in the bullpen. They’re ready to come in.
Heidegger goes back to the dugout. Randolph Churchill (son of Winston) decides to stick with Wagner, their ace relief pitcher.
Shaw fouls off pitch after pitch…
Shirley has some speed at first…Ford Maddox Ford is on the bag, taking throws from Wagner, as they want to keep Shirley, the potential winning run, from taking a big lead…
Here’s the 3-2 from Wagner to Shaw…well-hit to center field…DH Lawrence goes back…back…back…gone! A home run for Shaw! George Bernard Shaw has done it again! Can you believe it?
The Carriages lead 3-1!
Hugh Kenner comes in and gets Tennyson on a fly to right. Inning over. But the damage has been done. For the second straight game, George Bernard Shaw has burned the Pistols off the bench.
Hazlitt will get the win, if Charles Lamb can take care of the Pistols in the ninth…
Gertrude Stein and Aleister Crowley go quietly, a pop fly and a ground out.
Pinch hitting for Kenner in the pitching spot is Filippo Marinetti, the founder of Futurism.
The Pistols are down to their last out.
Charles Lamb gets a called strike. 0-1.
Wasting no time, Lamb comes back with a fast ball, just off the plate. Ball one. One and one, now…
Marinetti hits a shot towards third…
Caught by the third baseman Elizabeth Barrett Browning!
And the London Carriages have won their third straight against the Berlin Pistols!
William Hazlitt wins; he’s 1-0. Richard Wagner loses; he’s 0-1.
Ezra Pound will try to salvage a win in the four game series for the Pistols tomorrow. He will face Henry James.
Good night, Marla!