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Martin Luther King Jr was lured to the Universe by Spielberg, and won 11 games.
As we look at the final division in the Scarriet Poetry Baseball League, we are joined by Henry Miller and Lawrence Durrell, two famous writers who declined to participate in the league this year, but have agreed to talk with us remotely for this report.
Scarriet: Hello, where are you guys?
Durrell: Where do you think?
Miller: A lovely Greek island! Larry’s mother is taking good care of us.
Durrell: Miller, you’re crazy! That’s my wife!
Miller: You mean your mistress. (laughing) She’s lovely. Everything here is lovely.
Scarriet: Which island?
Durrell: We can’t say. The authorities are after us.
Miller: And boyfriends.
Scarriet. Well, OK. Lay low, then! Is that why you didn’t play this year?
Durrell: We can’t be everywhere at once.
Scarriet: I guess not. You’re busy men.
Miller: How do these writers and composers do it? How do they find time to play? It’s a long season!
Scarriet: So let me get some feedback from you on the season. There are five division winners and one wild card—six teams are in the playoffs. The final result which just came in: Steven Spielberg’s Universe held on to win the Modern division by 3 games over John D. Rockefeller’s Buyers. Spielberg made the moves he had to make, bringing in Martin Luther King Junior (11-7) Raymond Carver (12-8) Lucian Freud (7-6), and Jean Cocteau (10-2) to enhance his pitching staff. Most of the owners have figured out it’s pitching that wins championships.
Miller: All baseball fans know that, even poets know that. If they can’t hit your pitch, that’s it, everyone’s a bystander, watching the master work. It’s called painting. Or listening. The pitcher’s in control.
Durrell: Yes, but once the ball is hit, anything can happen.
Miller: Larry doesn’t know baseball. But he’s a good poet. I like his poetry better than his fiction.
Durrell: You don’t know anything. I worked hard on those novels.
Miller: You never worked hard on anything in your life.
Durrell: Let the guy interview us!
Scarriet: Anais Nin won 17 games for Pamela Harriman’s team. The Dreamers. They didn’t do too well.
Miller: They wanted me to play for them. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t play for them.
Durrell: That’s a feminist outfit, the Dreamers. They didn’t want you!
Miller: Yes, they did. My girl Nin begged me to play!
Scarriet: You got some offers from teams?
Miller: Plenty, yes. Not Larry, though. He’s obscure.
Durrell: No, I’m not!
Scarriet: The point we want to make is—the Madrid Crusaders won the Emperor Division—
Miller: The religious team, the Catholic team! Boring!
Durrell: I was rooting for the Goths! With Wilde and Baudelaire!
Miller: Baudelaire lost 10 straight! That’s embarrassing. You couldn’t get me to play in this league. It’s too tough. They’ll eat you alive.
Scarriet: The Dublin Laureates won the Emperor Division—
Miller: The team run by Nahum Tate, the Poet Laureate of England who re-wrote King Lear with a happy ending! The team with JK Rowling! Boring!
Scarriet: The Boston Secrets won the Society Division—
Durrell: Cool name. The Secrets.
Miller: But that’s “America’s team!” George Washinton’s team! Boring! Sickening!
Scarriet: And the LA Gamers won the Peoples Division—
Miller: With Billy Collins! Merv Griffin’s team. That’s the most disgusting winner of all! What’s wrong with this league!
Scarriet: And the Florence Banners, from the Glorious Division, the Wild Card team—
Miller: The Renaissance team! Boring!
Scarriet: So imagine if John D. Rockefeller’s Chicago Buyers had won the Modern Division.
Durrell: Thank you Steven Spielberg!
Miller: I’m not a big fan of Spielberg and Hollywood. But Spielberg is better than the Madrid Crusaders! The religious club! Ugh. Hey, Steven! You won it for the cool kids!!
Durrell: We got somebody to root for.
Universe 82 72 Winner Owner, Steven Spielberg, Manager Billy Beane, Team Leaders: Bob Dylan 33 homers, Chuck Berry .377, Chuck Berry 20 SB, Harriet Beecher Stowe 14-15, 2.83 ERA
Buyers 79 75 Owner John D. Rockefeller, Manager Charles Darwin, Dylan Thomas 39, Jack Kerouac .312, Elizabeth Bishop 20/Jack Kerouac 20 SB, Mark Twain 16-12, Walt Whitman 2.91
Crash 76 78 Owner AC Barnes, Manager Paul Cezanne, Stephen Spender 30, Allen Tate .309, Stanley Kunitz 18 SB, John Dewey 19-13, John Crowe Ransom 3.29
Printers 72 80 Owner Andy Warhol, Manager Brian Epstein, Aristophanes 32/John Updike 32, Aristophanes .336, John Ashbery 16 SB, Hans Holbein 16-5, Hans Holbein 3.07
Dreamers 72 82 Owner Pamela Harriman, Manager Averell Harriman, Sharon Olds 33/Edna Millay 33, Jack Gilbert .342, Carolyn Forche 23 SB, Anais Nin 17-16, Nin 4.09
The Playoffs!
First Round, All Rounds Best of 7
Florence Banners (Glorious Div) Wild Card v. Boston Secrets (Society Div) no. 1 seed
LA Gamers (Peoples Div) 5th seed v. Dublin Laureates (Glorious Div) no. 2 seed
Phoenix Universe (Modern Div) 4th seed v. Madrid Crusaders (Emperor Div) no. 3 seed
If Banners win, they play winner of Gamers/Laureates
If Secrets win, they play winner of Gamers (or) Laureates v Universe (or) Crusaders